How do you tell someone disappointing news?

Recently, I had to tell someone I love deeply some disappointing news. When I first received it, my heart sank, and I was so worried about how I was going to deliver it, and how that person was going to take it.

Before I delivered the message, I decoded it myself first. I unpacked it. What are the implications of this news? What does it really mean for that person? How lasting are the impacts of this course of events? What part of it did that person contribute to? What part of it was in that person's control? What will this news prevent from happening?

News you didn't want to hear automatically feels a lot worse when you first find out. You failed this test. You didn't get the job. Your sale fell through. You were rejected.

It sounds bad because we've programmed ourselves to believe that this is the bad outcome, the one we did not want, so when we hear it, it hits our body like a ton of bricks. Suddenly you feel your shoulders drooping with the weight of the disappointment.

But when you go through the questions above, you realize it's waaaay worse in your head than it is in reality. Everything is subjective, and the same news can hit differently depending on how you frame it.

Once we realize the situation isn't the end of the world, only then can we truly begin to assess it in a productive way. And once we resign ourselves to the belief that God chose this for us, we can begin accepting the outcome. We become malleable, and we find ways to shape the situation in our favor.

To accept an outcome doesn't mean you just give up. It's actually your first step in rerouting: reflecting on what went wrong, finding a solution, trying again.

There's always another way. There's always hope. There's always a better thing waiting for you right around the corner.

That was the thought process I went through after receiving the news, and believing it myself: that this news isn't necessarily bad, that you can think of it in other ways that truly make it good news for you. You, the one delivering the news, really need to believe it. It's hard to sell people an idea you yourself have doubts about. So take your time with it.

Now that you believe it, here's how you pass it on.

So, back to the main question: how do you tell someone bad news? Frame it in a positive way, and actually believe it.

Think about how they'd want to receive it. Don't call them if they're the type of person who appreciates a face-to-face conversation, and don't sit them down in person if they're someone who likes privacy while they process their emotions. Some people feel embarrassed when conversations like that happen face-to-face, and some feel so supported by it, so really take the time to decide.

Choose the right moment. Don't deliver this news in a chaotic situation, and be sensitive to the timing they need. If it's not urgent, don't tell them when they're prepping for an important event or a job meeting, or in the middle of a joyous time.

Validate their feelings. What we all want, in the end, is for someone to really see us and understand. Validate, and then open the door for them to see a brighter future.

I guess, just be kind. But process the news first, before you deliver it.

Because you know what they say: the way people find out really changes the way the news impacts them.