Hello October!
Hello October!
September was a whirlwind. It felt like it flew by in some ways, and in other ways it felt long and significant. I don't know if that makes sense, but there were days where I felt so stuck in September, like the day held so much and wouldn't pass, and yet now when I look back it feels like I have blinked and it's October! It's just the way life is, isn't it? Whatever you are going through, it will alwaaaays pass. Things will always work out in the end.
However, writing this post is taking me a lot of concentration and going through my camera roll to really articulate my true experience of the month, because most of it did actually feel like I was somewhere in between an out-of-body experience and drowning in the depths of the details of it.
I feel like in September I was so busy chasing my dreams of a PhD, but SOOOO much life happened in between, and I did not let anything get in my way. I cried and suffered and got right back up. And in the chaos of it all and the madness, I still found little pockets of joy everywhere. I'm realising now how tired I am, and how much effort I put into September to not just merely survive, but to not let anything get in the way of excelling at my PhD, and I did it.
In September I:
Collected data and CONDUCTED quantitative analysis. This is a huge PhD milestone, one I feared from the start of my journey, and I worked really really really hard to overcome the challenges of it and I DID IT! All on my own.
Showed up for my loved ones on super difficult days! I want to take a moment to acknowledge myself in that way: I always show up for my family no matter what, even if it's not easy.
Got through a difficult medical hurdle.
Started bedazzling!!
Volunteered at my favourite place (KACCH & BACCH).
Worked out 5 times.
Received flowers twice.
Worked intensely on my PhD, towards the end of the month an average of 3-5 hours a day!
Had a pool day!
Got my nails done! (Through a birthday voucher I received, and it was a fab experience)
Cooked my first real meal in our apartment.
Had so many ice cream dates <3
Kept up weekend family routines.
Maintained my boundaries.
Wrote four blog posts!
Read two books.
Completed 12/13 of my Invisalign sets!! Soooo close to the finish line.
Spent time getting to know a new friend.
Went to London for a week (without my husband crying), but I:
Had two supervisory meetings that went BRILLIANTLY.
Indulged in my alone time, especially in book shops, which are my favourite places in the world.
Went on so many outdoor walks, walked slowly and freely.
Had amazing coffee and food!
Shopped, tried on so many things, browsed like I had all the free time in the world.
Reflecting on September and all I had to overcome and all that I achieved, I just want to take a moment to be proud of myself, to acknowledge what I have been through and all the effort and wins. All the times I could have just broken down, but didn't.
I learned something that I keep reciting to myself, but I feel like I truly immersed myself in the lesson during those times, and that is: Always do everything for God. If you do good things for people, they will disappoint you by not appreciating it, not reciprocating, or even sometimes meeting your kindness with cruelty. But if you do things for God, you don't wait for people to appreciate you or acknowledge you or recognise your feelings. You know that God sees and knows, and rewards you in ways you can never imagine and in magnitudes you never thought you deserved.
I spent so much of my life investing in relationships that have hurt me, and throughout it I tried SO much to foster healthy deep connections and it cost me so much. Moving forward, I want to continue upholding my values and being a good person to all those I feel an obligation towards, but I will do it for God. And I will not go to the lengths I used to, prioritising others over me. I will not expect anything from anyone. In addition to that, I will continue working hard. I will continue standing up after hurdles, I will continue to believe whole-heartedly that God loves me. And that everything alwayssss works out in the end for me, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment, there will come a time where I will be so flooded with gratitude even for those dark times. I have always felt so lucky and I will continue to feed into that.
I will reserve my reservoir of energy and love for those who pour into me, for chasing my dreams, for curating a life that makes me happy, and for finding whimsy in it all.
What I'm leaving in September:
Being hard on myself
Languishing in bed in the mornings
Overthinking
Indulging in negative thoughts
What I'm taking into October:
Always moving forward
Working hard & believing in myself
Investing in my PhD over everything else
Protecting my peace and preserving my boundaries
Being intentional in who I spend my time with
What I want more of in October:
Focusing on being intentional in doing everything for God and God only.
Phone-free mornings
Active days (Going on walks often)
Saying yes more to spending time with my safe/happy relationships
Doing new things
Cooking more!
Dump-writing. Carving out time every day to just journal freely with no structure and dump all of the weight on the paper so I can carry on care-free.
Investing in my self-care (Doing my hair more, getting facials and treatments, curating outfits, basically doing everything that will make me feel like me again)
So September was intense, and I want October to be slower but richer. I wanted to really achieve the quality over quantity type of thing in September, but it was a month where I just needed to get through. This time I want more: I want to be choosey with my time and effort. I want to really indulge in the fall vibes, and will cold weather into reality by drinking hot chocolate, dressing in cozy sweaters, and realllly indulging in anything cozy-comfy-sweet. I want to look back on October and be proud of my accomplishments, but also look back fondly on it like a sweet calm part of my life. And I think that calmness comes not necessarily from the circumstances, but from within. And that's the attitude I have going into October: complete and utter surrender to God's will. Where better, if not in God's hands?
