"I'm a Thermostat, Not a Thermometer"

I was scrolling TikTok and this woman came up saying, "One of the most important skills to acquire in our life is to maintain a good mood. Remind yourself: I'm a thermostat and not a thermometer."

She was talking about how we spend so much of our lives reacting to those around us. As a recovering people pleaser, I completely related to that. If we went out to a restaurant as a group and one person hated the food and was in a foul mood about it, I'd find myself frantically searching the menu for something they might like. I would call over the waiter and ask if they could accommodate that person, which would make their mood even more sour, and then whatever was left of my happiness is depleted and I'm also upset about the restaurant even though I was actually excited to be there. I spend so much of my time worrying about everyone else around me and exhausting so much energy doing my best to avoid anyone feeling any discomfort. This makes things a lot less fun for me and so much more tiresome. My people-pleasing habits were extremely heightened for the people I love. And over time, this developed into me spending a lot of time with myself because it's a lot easier to be alone. Then I spent SO much time alone (I loved it — the era of getting to know myself and falling in love with myself) but I always felt that I was wasting time by not making memories with the people I loved the most. So it wasn't really the most ideal solution.

Then I shifted my intention from preserving my energy and peace by isolating myself to preserving my energy and peace by learning to be a "thermostat, not a thermometer." The first key for me that unlocked that intention was the realization that I can't control other people's emotions. No matter how much effort I put in, someone may still get upset or be unhappy about something. There's nothing I can do to please everyone. I've also noticed that when someone is uncomfortable with themselves, no amount of comfort you offer can help. It's not in my hands, so holding myself responsible for that is a losing battle.

Second, learning to not take everything personally. People's reactions have nothing to do with us. So many times when someone shows up agitated or upset or in a testy mood, I instantly think it was something I've done. Maybe I said something that upset them, or did something — I spiral, going over all our conversations and become so focused on them. I notice the micro changes in their facial expressions, how they're texting, how much they look at me, trying to figure out what I have done. And the sad part is, I haven't done anything. There are a million reasons why people react certain ways, and most of the time, you're not one of them. Learning to control my emotions and remove myself from the situation. I don't want to spend my life reacting to other people's emotions; instead, I want to focus inward and build a system within me that can protect my good mood regardless of what is going on around me. To make a choice to be happy and put the effort in to do so is not an easy task. But I'd rather expend my energy doing that and being happy than chasing other people's happiness to no avail.

It's not always easy, but a reality where you surround yourself with the people you love — even if it's not always in the ideal circumstances — exists. I know in this era of wellness and boundaries, so many people urge us to cut off any relationship that does not serve us. But the truth is, no one is perfect. No one person can always act and be 100% aligned with you at all times. That does not mean we should cut everyone out. It means we take the people we love as they are, the good and the bad, and learn not to let the bad parts impact us. Especially if those people are family. I know there are certain levels of toxicity that are absolutely intolerable, and I am in no way encouraging anyone to put up with abuse. But to be frank, I don't know if it's my naivety, privilege, or both speaking — but I cannot see a world where I have no family and still be happy.

So instead of giving in to that cancel culture mentality so quickly, let's take a step back and acknowledge the grey area. People aren't black and white, and neither should our tolerance for them.

A thermometer measures the temperature of the room. A thermostat sets it. I want to be a thermostat, setting my own temperature at all times.