Resentment

Resentment

Merriam-Webster defines resentment as "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury."

Or, put more plainly: a deep, lingering feeling of anger or bitterness caused by feeling treated unfairly.

I've become very acquainted with the feeling lately, and while I was always cautiously aware of not catching it, this time it got me.

Throughout my life I have somehow been aware of the magnitude of resentment and the damage it can do to relationships. Even though I didn't have a real life example unfold in front of me, somehow I just knew how detrimental this feeling could be.

In the past, in order not to feel resentful I always expressed myself. I always tried to tell people as honestly as I could how they have hurt me and what their actions did to me. I do this only in the relationships I actually care about, ones I want to remain forever. Because what's the point of doing that if you don't see this person in your life long term? I do this to unload the negativity I have towards that individual instead of carrying it with me. Instead of having it permanently impact the way I view them.

The last couple of years it has become more difficult for me to "unload," to be honest, especially in relationships where I often felt scared to lose the other person. In relationships where I have felt like I was the one keeping the tie alive. And I overcompensated by always finding empathy for the other person. Always convincing myself that these transgressions against me were unintentional, inevitable, that it wasn't in their hands. That they were incapable of acting any other way. That it wasn't their fault they were so mean. That I'm able to shoulder it, the pain they unleash towards me. I even convinced myself it's because they love me the most, that they can only really take it out on me. Like abuse was somehow an act of love. That's how far I went to keep that tie alive, to convince myself that abuse is love. That I am being abused, because I am loved.

And I always thought my capacity for forgiving these specific people in my life was endless, that there was nothing I couldn't excuse or rationalise to myself.

Until I could not take it. Until the hurt I had swallowed was spilling out of me. Until I woke up one day with so much hurt inside of me it was literally rotting my insides.

I'm so resentful for the consistent aggression I received. I'm so resentful for my happiest moments to be tainted by them. I'm so resentful for my entire life having to be perfect, because there was never room for me to be human. For me to need. For me to unravel. I'm so resentful for always being there, always taking it, always doing my absolute best to do the right thing by everyone, and none of that was ever recognised.

I'm resentful for forgiving the unforgivable. I'm resentful for not lashing right back at the ones lashing out at me. I'm so resentful for never spelling out all the messed up ways I have been hurt, overlooked, and treated. I’m so resentful for allowing someone to consistently hurt me.

It's a terrible feeling, resentment. It is a feeling you try so hard to cage in, but it seeps through slowly, eating away at your insides, seeping out into your words and clouding your thoughts.

I can no longer see people the same way. I can no longer excuse bad behaviour. I can no longer step on my heart and emotions to put people first, people who have never once in their life truly considered me.

It's a sad realisation, but once the resentment settles in you, there's no going back.

There are no successful comebacks from resentment. There is no cure. There is no love in the world that could salvage what resentment does to you.

You win, I have no more to give. I'm hurt beyond repair. I don't have any more love to give.

That's my current stance on the matter, and if it does change in the future I will write all about it.