A List of Things I Will Do on Vacation to Come Back To me

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult. I’ve been losing myself and struggling to carry on with my daily tasks. Every time I lift myself up and seem to catch my rhythm again, something jarring happens, and my whole effort to get back on my feet feels knocked down even further.

I have been pouring all my energy into not crashing out. My nervous system has been put on mute just to cope. I miss feeling the full range of positive emotions: excitement, happiness, joy, nerves, laughter. But all I have been feeling is numbness and sadness simultaneously.

Nevertheless, the perfect cure for any broken heart is a trip, which thankfully I will be going on in a matter of days. So, in order to shock my body into feeling emotions again and restart my broken heart, I have made a list of things I will do on this trip to make it special. To make myself actually feel it and be present, as opposed to just holding on for the next moment.

Here’s my list:

1. Dress fashionably every day.
   Pull out all the stops: hats, fun accessories, nice shoes, bags, all of it.

2. Film daily vlogs.
   I will treat every day as if it is a magical day, as if I need to capture it on camera because amazing things are constantly happening.

3. Plan less and be more present.
   I have planned most of the trip, but I have kept the plans flexible, with only one fixed thing a day so that I do not have to constantly stress about meeting the next checkpoint or crossing something off a list. I didn’t want it to be completely open either, because I do not want to consume energy trying to plan something last minute. So, one timed thing a day, and the rest is just wandering.

4. Stop talking about my heartache.
   So many things have been causing me sadness lately, and I feel like for the past month I have been talking about them nonstop. It has helped relieve some of it, but at the same time, it has trapped me in this constant loop of sadness. So, on this trip, I’m a new person without these problems. I will pretend they did not happen and schedule my worry.

5. Try to do one new thing every day.
   Read about a new topic. Try a new food. Talk to a stranger. Watch a new show. Follow a new influencer on TikTok or Instagram. Wear a new style.

Whatever it is, whatever opportunity presents itself for a new experience, I will take it. I can’t remember the last time I did something new.

What I love about travelling is that you are literally physically removed from your regular environment, and that, for me at least, really helps create emotional distance from things too. I will indulge in healing and getting closer to my true identity. I miss me so much. We lose ourselves in the chaos sometimes, but on this trip, away from all the noise, I want to reconnect with me.

I have also been feeling worried that I’m not making the best use of my time. Never in my life will I get the free time I have now, but so much of it has been spent adjusting to newness, mourning, and settling. This trip came at the right time. I cannot wait to come back energised, take my life back, and start moving forward full throttle.