sam

When I received the news of your death, I was in utter disbelief. How crazy is it that we so quickly forget that life is fleeting?

When we are reminded of it, we find ourselves shocked by our own disbelief, by our lack of gratitude. Why hadn’t we been better? Why did we not cherish the moments we had? Did we forget that, in the end, we all go? This is life. You never know when your time is coming.

That’s how I felt, Sam. While you lived rent-free in my head for two years, consuming so much of my thoughts and energy, I was always hung up on every word you said, the feedback you provided on my work, and sometimes frustrated by our disagreements, by the slowness with which we were moving in my PhD. I forgot to take a moment and appreciate you.

So this is me amending that. Pouring my heart out. Appreciating all you have done for me, and appreciating you as a human being, because you were an incredible one, Sam.

You’re the only professor who gave my research a chance, granting me entry into this programme and actually believing in me. You’re the only supervisor who read my thesis top to bottom, not once, not twice, but more times than I realised, writing comments on every single page. You scolded me like your own child when I wanted to keep going, and you wanted me to reassess, refine, and align even more. You were comfortable with my anger and frustration because you knew it was what was best for me. You were okay being the bad guy because you knew I’d come to my senses in the end. And I always did.

Every piece of advice and direction you gave me only improved my work. You not only rooted for me, but you constantly looked out for me. You warned me when I was making unfavourable decisions, sent me updated literature constantly, and kept an eye out as if this was your research, not mine. You genuinely cared about me. You prayed for me, even though your God is not mine. You prayed for me with all your heart.

You always had God on your mind and tongue. You were so worried about doing the right thing. Your pursuit of goodness was so earnest that it touched anyone who came into contact with you along the way. Being around you made one a better person by proxy.

You always not only saw and acknowledged the minority, but worked hard to represent them. You poured your heart into changing people’s lives, into using education for good, and you did everything for your family. The way you understood how precious family is, and how hard you worked to provide for them, is so, so, so rare in today’s world.

I never expressed this in the way that I should have, and I never actually realised it, but Sam, you meant so much to me. You impacted my life in ways you will never know. It is one of my life’s regrets that I will never be able to truly express to you how much I appreciate you, how much I cared, and how deeply I am grieving your loss.

For the last few days since you’ve been gone, every time I have opened my laptop to resume my work, I have felt a pain too deep to continue. I mourn you, Sam, and I pray that God helps me overcome this and continue this PhD in your honour.

Rest in peace,
Dr. Sam