August 14:What I Need to Hear Today

August 14 — What I Need to Hear Today

Become the person you've always wished would comfort you. Write exactly what you need to hear.

Actually, I really do need comforting.

I have a hard time establishing boundaries with the people I love. Most of the people I love exert a lot of effort into censoring what they want to say, or making sure it is worded in the least combative way possible when they speak to each other. Because they all have somewhat reactive and volatile personalities, I often see them put a lot of thought into their words and actions to avoid any triggers, navigating their relationships with the utmost care.

Except with me. It's not a lack of love, I know that for sure. It's because they know I will always excuse their behaviour. I will always take it. Their anger, their vicious words, their outbursts. They know I will always be there, unconditionally loving them.

For so long I thought that's what true love is. That's what you do for the people you love: be their punching bag. Be the most unproblematic. Take whatever crumbs of energy they have left, and never ask them to put in the effort, because they're already going through so much.

But something inside me shifted. I can't take it any longer. I do not feel good when someone is mean to me, when someone lashes out at me. I can no longer excuse it for them, even if I know it has nothing to do with me. That they are going through a hard time. That it's because they love me that they can be so unfiltered. That explanation no longer soothes me. I leave those settings hurt, and almost feel violated. Mostly, I am angry at my heart. Why do I subject it to so much pain?

I'm also going through a lot, but I put so much effort and love into my words and actions. I do not lash out at people. I work SO hard every day to control my emotions. I've grown so much and invested a lot into my personal growth so that I am a good person who does not harm other people. Why do I choose to spend time with people who don't?

I think what hurts the most is that I know they are capable of it. I see how they interact with each other with care and caution. But I have decided I do not have to subject myself to this. I will remove myself from any relationship or situation that I feel HORRIBLE after. People who make me feel really bad about myself, and confused. I will not sit at tables that belittle me and constantly question my intentions and my goodness. Like I have to constantly defend myself.

I will no longer take it. It's not easy to set this boundary. In fact it really hurts me to, because I do feel guilty, like I expect better from myself. But for once in my life I have to prioritise my heart, especially around people who have never even considered it.

I know it will be hard at first, but it's the only way to enforce my boundaries. To teach other people how to treat me, because I set that standard. No one, no matter who they are in this world, is allowed to make me feel bad about myself. To make me constantly feel guilty for no reason. To make me feel so despised. And if I lose all those people, then I didn't lose anything, because there was no weight to their love anyway.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of effort and caution. I am worthy of the best versions of people.

It does not make you a bad person to enforce your boundaries. To protect your heart. To expect to be treated in a decent human manner.

That's what I need to hear today.