August 15 — Dear Mirror

August 15 — Dear Mirror

Stand in front of a mirror for two minutes before writing. Then write to your reflection with complete compassion.

I first see my eyes. In this moment they appear both dull and innocent. I see kindness in them, and eyes that have witnessed so much, too much. Yet there's a glimmer, a glimmer of excitement that anything can change in a minute. That something amazing is about to happen. An innocence.

I've noticed my hair grew longer, and the roots have fully grown back to my natural color (I had a stint of dyed hair for a while). The color reminds me of how I looked when I was a little girl. If I focus on the hair, on the eyes, I can still see her. The little me trying to survive the world, trying to build a life for herself, something more stable, more real, less of a fight or flight life.

Then I notice my figure altogether. How small of a human I am, my height taking up only half of the full length mirror, my body drowning in an oversized shirt. And I feel a rush of empathy. How small I am in this big scary world. Not physically, but in the big scheme of things. Yet I made a big impact. Yet I survived. Yet I am still here.

I don't always like what I see in the mirror, and my eyes and my thoughts always land on whatever is not working. The flatness of my hair, how much of it fell out recently. The creases in my forehead, didn't I just get Botox? My smile lines, how ancient they make me look. How huge my thighs look, the frustration that no matter how much weight I lose they are still there. My belly protruding more than it should, will people think I'm pregnant (I'm not)?

Then I look at my body again, and my heart warms. Because it is this body, the one thing that has never failed me in life. The body I have critiqued so often, torn apart, wished were different. The body I have put through hell, and it carried me anyway. It got up every day, stable, dependable, never letting me down. It made me self-sufficient. It pushed through the difficult days. It always recovered. It took care of me when I did not take care of it. It gave me the ability to build the life I always wanted.

I'm so grateful. God has given me the greatest gift, a healthy body, and I want to look in the mirror and only see blessings.