“Be Obedient”
I recently went through an experience where I felt so triggered I could feel the rage crawling up my skin like little insects sinking their teeth into me as they tread along my body.
I’m working on research that I’ve spent well over a year and a half developing, and I was gearing up for an expert panel where esteemed researchers would be giving their opinions on my work so far.
I was ready, excited, and most of all open to all feedback.
I met with my supervisor prior to the expert panel so he could “prep” me for it. I didn’t feel like I needed any prepping, I was ready for it, but upon his insistence I agreed to schedule the meeting. Or at least try to schedule it. I had reached out to him upon his request to schedule it weeks before the panel, however only the night before was he able to “schedule me in,” less than 12 hours before the panel. What kind of prep is beneficial then?
I think because of the time crunch he joined our meeting very eager to get to the point, a little rushed and frantic, which is not the energy I was hoping for before my panel. Nevertheless, I approached him with my usual positivity and enthusiasm and was met with such hostile aggression.
Following are quotes from our exchange, and no, they were not taken out of context. No elaboration could justify his words, at least to me.
“Don’t be aggressive tomorrow, agree with all their feedback”
“I wish we prepared more, they will not like this point”
“Let them talk, don’t defend anything”
“Do you even know how to moderate a panel?”
“Be polite”
“What is your plan?”
“Do not challenge them”
“Be obedient”
I was honestly dumbstruck by the meeting and the way he entered it, but I couldn’t process it in the moment. It was blow after blow, and I didn’t have time to digest anything. I felt so confident prior to this meeting, but after it I felt so small and unprepared. My imposter syndrome, that I’ve tried so hard to hammer down into a hole, blew up right in front of me like those giant inflatable figures at car sales, undeniable and right there.
I went from eager and ready to frantic and scared.
I was also hurt. I felt the hurt bubbling inside my chest, a mixed potion of negativity I unwillingly swallowed.
I felt shame.
But I didn’t do anything wrong.
Shame that I ever thought I could do this?
I felt embarrassment.
I was embarrassed to be excited, to think that I could confidently take on expert academics and engage in thought provoking scientific conversation.
Who did I think I was?
Plot twist. I did the panel, and it went brilliantly. It felt like everyone on the panel was invested in me and in my research. They gave me as much feedback as they could, acknowledged my hard work and progression. My supervisor was happy with how it went.
But I was not able to feel the rush of relief and happiness I usually do when I accomplish something big. And this was big.
Instead, I felt exhausted, emotional, and even frustrated.
All that could go through my mind was:
be obedient
be obedient
obey
Why would anyone say that?
To me?
In this context?
Upon reflection, and only after I removed myself from the equation, I was able to come to certain conclusions that eased the fire burning in my soul.
My supervisor was an immigrant, and the panel happened to be amongst his most prestigious and well respected white natives.
Keeping your head down and doing as you’re told is a lesson taught early on to immigrants. I know how it feels to be somewhere you feel like you don't belong. Out of fear of standing out in a sea of sameness, you try your best to be invisible, to not ruffle any feathers. To come from nothing, and all you want is to be.
I wanted to go deep into the research I had presented, challenge notions, and engage in healthy debate over well established research theories. I don't want to just be. I want to create and challenge and be innovative.
I realized that is a privilege.
To even think of anything beyond mere survival.
My supervisor was coming from a place of experience and worry for me.
I was coming from a place of privilege. This is where we clashed.
However, a gendered experience was also happening.
I was a female researcher presenting to a panel of six male researchers.
To be told to be obedient in such a context can’t be anything but triggering for me.
I’ve been in a corporate environment for around five years now. From day one I had learned the hard lesson of what it is to be a woman in corporate.
I had to always work ten times harder than my male counterparts.
I had to be extremely aware of the politics, avoid stepping on any landmines that could take me out.
Always cautious.
Always dimmed.
Always agreeable.
It’s exhausting to have to play those games, to be strategic and calculated in every move. It wasn’t about getting ahead, it was simply to ensure I got what I deserved, not be snubbed out of it.
Male privilege wins, always, at least in the story I have lived.
I learned a lot from this experience.
Understanding where people are coming from. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the equation. Even if it feels very personal, most of the time it’s not.
Real knowledge comes from healthy debate and curiosity. If someone gets offended when you challenge their opinion, they’re not interested in learning and should not be someone you seek knowledge from. Most well respected researchers are actually very humble, it’s the newer ones who feel entitled. The more you know, the more you realize you do not know anything at all. Knowledge is infinite.
When in doubt, be yourself.
Celebrate your little wins.
I’m so proud of myself for conducting the expert panel, holding my own, and gaining everything I wanted from it despite everything that happened. Despite the rage within me, I was able to contain it and keep going. That takes a lot of self control, and I am proud of that.
I’m also proud of my ability to empathize with someone who has hurt me deeply, and in that empathy find resolution and forgiveness. That wasn’t easy, and I’m still working on it.
I have been bottling this experience and these complicated emotions all week. I just needed to get it out.
