POV: Loving Someone With Unhealed Trauma

miss u

〰️

miss u 〰️

I miss you.

The words coming out of your mouth are missiles, bombing every bridge between us.
The distance keeps growing wider.
We’re so far apart I can’t see you anymore.

You’ve become unrecognizable.

And sometimes I catch glimpses of you, the version I know.
When you laugh.
When we smile at each other off guard.
When you look down.
Or when we reminisce.

But it happens so rarely nowadays, I can’t remember you anymore.

I’m so scared I’ve lost you forever.

I miss you.

I actively try to remind myself of all the things I love about you, or loved?
I make excuses for you, but you make it hard.

I recall the moments we shared, the ones no one can ever understand but us.
And it makes me wonder why.

Why do you have so much anger?
The vengeance drips from your mouth with every word.

I can see the fire blazing in your eyes.
It erased you.

When I look in your eyes, I don’t see you.

But why so much burning?
Why are you doing this to me? To us?

It’s not really about me, or ever was, is it?

How can you not see the damage done?

I know when you get better you will be yourself again, but I hate that we have to waste so much time.
I hate that there’s so much collateral.

I hate that it’s me, the collateral.

I hate that some wounds are permanent.

I don’t know what else to do except wait.

I learned the hard way you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
I learned that trying to help will only hurt us both.

I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is do nothing.

But it’s not easy.

Maybe if we had honest conversations things would be better.
But I don’t know if you could handle the truth, and I don’t know if you are even capable of seeing it.

I know you are in pain.

While it kills me to know you are in pain, it soothes the wounds you inflict.

You don’t mean it.
You’re acting out of pain.

This isn’t you.
It’s the sickness.

Right?

How did we get here?

And will we ever be close again?

Or will I always keep a distance, afraid you will hurt me again?

I’m starting to catch myself feeling resentful, almost angry, at your actions.

I’m starting to take the things you have done and said to me personally.

But they’re not personal, right?

You’re in pain.
You could never intentionally hurt me.

Right?

Or am I the delusional one?

Is it false hope I’m holding on to?

It doesn’t have to be this hard.

But of course you don’t choose for it to be.
You can’t help it, you’re sick.

Or am I being tricked by my innocence?

I’m fighting internal battles every day to keep my love for you alive and unconditional.

I’m tired.

And my losses are so profound.

But I keep fighting.

The bright side is that it’s still hard to go on without you.

I hope the day where I’m fine knowing you are not is nowhere near.

Because that’s when love dies.

I miss you.

Please don’t kill ours.

I love and miss you.

Get well soon. 💌