When No One is Watching: who are you?

I have this internal struggle that surfaces in varying intensities depending on the season of life I'm in. It is always there. It is this deeply etched pursuit of my own goodness. It's in simpler terms the answer to this question, am I a good person?

Sometimes it's too subtle to disturb me, other times it jolts me awake at night, and there are times it gets really bad. I find myself tossing, turning, eating my insides out trying to convince myself that I am one. A good person. The process is excruciating and pit-less, it goes on and on.

Only when I voice this concern and receive external validation from people I deem good, only then, do these fires stop burning.

"If you aren't a good person who is?"

"Bad people don't wonder if they are good."

"It's because you're so good, that you question this."

It quiets momentarily. The burn is soothed for the time being.

I unpacked this in therapy once, as all things seem to, and I discovered it roots back to my childhood. I won't unpack this here, but let's just say my innocence was always on trial as a child. Resulting, always, in an innocent verdict. But the chase for a guilty one, while fruitless, was nevertheless persistent, which might help explain this constant internal interrogation I put myself through.

Anyways, as a way to counteract that, and collect evidence of my goodness for myself, I developed a habit of always monitoring my behavior specifically when no one's watching.

It made me appreciate myself more, collect tokens of love for me as I move on this journey in life, instead of scrutinizing my goodness and breaking my own heart in the process. Watching myself closely, but objectively, allowed me to notice it and reflect on it and build on it. I used to look for my badness, and now I look for the opposite, which allows me to water my garden instead of ripping out the weeds searching for something that hopefully remains nonexistent.

The other day I was walking alone down the street minding my own business. I saw a man probably in his late 40s trying to throw something in a garbage can from the window of his car. There was nowhere to pull over, and he seemed stressed that another car might come up behind him. People walked right past him, everyone on about their day. He struggled in his attempts to rearrange the car in a way that would get him closer to the garbage can. I saw the contemplation on his face. He was determined not to litter, but the circumstances were not on his side. I walked up and threw it for him. We looked at each other, he was surprised by my action, but I could see the gratitude sparkle in his eyes. I was surprised by my action too.

I chose that moment to file in my cabinet of evidence against myself.

I am a good person.

Even though the load of constantly doubting my goodness is an excruciatingly heavy one, I guess it shackles me to the righteous path, always pulling me back in when I stray. I genuinely believe it is human nature to be seduced by badness, and it takes a lot of effort and reflection to choose being good. While the trauma of being a child always in question is unfair and hurtful in many ways, I'm a better person for it.

That's how I define a good person: who you are when no one else is watching. When you are alone.

What do you really desire?

What do you do in your spare time?

What are you like when the blinds are on?

Do you litter?

Do you leave things unclosed, untidy, unfinished for whoever comes next?

Are you greedy?

Do you help others?

Do you think of "What if someone else needs to use this?"

Who are you really?

When no one else is watching.

Or maybe the right question is, are YOU watching?

Are you tending your garden?